I can’t be good all the time!

“If she didn’t like it, she could have talked to me about it! Why go complain to someone else about something I said to her???”

Yes, I was angry sometime ago because of what happened. Later on when I reflected upon myself, I felt I had lost all my manners back then. It made me sad…

I fight with my sisters at times but this was different. We are really close and we never lose our cool when we fight, but it was hard for me to believe that someone I don’t really deal with often had controlled my emotions…in a bad way.

I observed that the evil side of me can be very dominating at times!

That person is like a sister to me and I shouldn’t have expected any apology from her but I guess I really took it to the heart.

I have been thinking and thinking about it since the time I cooled down. I feel that despite all the Quran I have learnt and understood, all the times I have stood in devotion in front of my Lord, all the nights I stayed up trying to understand all the ayahs, I am nowhere close to be good!

While I was busy reflecting upon myself, my eyes fell upon the copy of Qur’an kept on my table and that’s when I remembered Surah Yusuf,

“Indeed the soul is a persistent enjoyer of evil, except those upon which my Lord has mercy.” (Ayah 53)

We all tend to lose ourselves at times, but that doesn’t mean we are evil. Allah سبحانه وتعالى created us weak. Our inner self does have a bad side. Everything does. Never will you come across something that doesn’t have both good and bad aspects.

So we too as humans have a weaker side. Allah سبحانه وتعالى could have definitely made us stronger and impeccable, but there is a reason we have an evil side to us.

My heart always speaks up when I do something wrong and I can’t rest until I have dealt with and learnt from my mistakes. I might have hurt someone but I have apologized and made it up to them. This realization of mistakes and dealing with them makes me stronger and have more confidence.

So what if I have an evil side to me? There is the good side too! And it really depends upon you which conquers over the other!!

May Allah سبحانه وتعالى have mercy upon us….ameen

Fatima Bint Sajid

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